Archive for August, 2009

I know I’ve got his love

Four months ago today, my entire world was shaken to the core and all of the certainty I’d come to rely on was taken from me in a single moment. I went from being a happily married woman getting ready to start a family through adoption to a grieving, childless widow. I never knew how suddenly life could go from amazingly wonderful to frighteningly lonely.

Continue Reading August 26, 2009 at 3:43 am 1 comment

Vanity, thy name is widow

I’m sure that to the outside world it looks like I’m a vain woman with all the shopping and regular spa treatments. I’m sure there are those people who think that they would certainly not be concerned about their appearance in the weeks and months following their husband’s death. And for some women, that may be true – believe me, I always imagined I would be in that group. But I do these things for Paul. I shop and make myself look good because I know it’s what Paul always wanted for me. Yes, I shop for Paul! I paint my nails red for Paul, and I wear high(ish) heels for Paul. Oddly, it makes me feel that little bit better knowing that I’m doing what Paul would want for me.

Continue Reading August 22, 2009 at 10:56 am Leave a comment

Silent weekends

Weekends are a completely different animal for me now. From the time I get home on a Friday evening until I return to the office Monday morning, it is very possible that I won’t speak to another human being. It is very possible that I won’t step foot out of the house, or even open the shades. I may not even get dressed for the entire weekend.

Continue Reading August 21, 2009 at 1:55 pm Leave a comment

Who do I share the good things with?

When you lose your partner, you lose so many things that you may not even realize you had. I’m still learning what those losses are, and I’m sure I’ll share many of them here as I figure out Version 3.0 – and all the quirks that go along with it. From the beginning I realized that one of the big things I lost was my confidant – which is something that I never truly had before meeting Paul and after seven years of having someone to share my thoughts and feeling with, it’s difficult to lose.

Continue Reading August 19, 2009 at 4:45 pm Leave a comment

How am I? Do you really want to know?

We’ve all heard the question a million times before: How are you? We’ve all asked the question a million times before, too. What I’ve found recently is that the way the question is asked has changed. Where in the past, people asked in a slightly upbeat voice, and expected the obligatory “I’m fine” for a response, they now ask in hushed and concerned tones, in a more meaningful way. But for the most part, people are still hoping for the same response of “I’m fine” because that’s the socially acceptable answer.

Continue Reading August 18, 2009 at 11:02 am 2 comments

Learning to breathe again

There are certain things in life that we take for granted. Breathing is one of them. Before Paul died, I don’t know that I ever really thought about my breathing patterns. I just did it – even when I was an active runner, an activity that is not yet compatible with Version 3.0, I just took one breath after another. Yes, I would alter how those breaths were taken, but it was second nature – no thought required.

Continue Reading August 16, 2009 at 9:30 am 1 comment

Learning curve

Version 3.0 is scary. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand it; maybe it’s because there’s no rule book; maybe it’s because there’s no one to help explain the new features because I’m an early adopter of the program.

Continue Reading August 14, 2009 at 7:14 pm Leave a comment

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