Archive for October, 2009

I don’t want to go out and play

It’s Halloween. I should be excited and giddy; it’s always been a much-loved holiday of mine. In the weeks leading up to it, I would be busy making costumes for everyone I knew—hoping there’d be enough time to make one for me. Last year, Paul was Sponge Bob Square Pants and I was a vampire. It was our first Halloween in our new home; our first in a neighborhood where we could expect trick-or-treating. We stayed home to hand out candy to the kids, many of whom shrieked with excitement at a grown man dressed as Sponge Bob—which made Paul grin from ear-to-ear.

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Continue Reading October 31, 2009 at 1:10 pm Leave a comment

Lessons learned

Paul and I used to spend a lot of time talking about our relationship. We’d reminisce about the early days, talk about the present, and dream about the future. We always joked about these “State of the Marriage” conversations, but knew that we were lucky to be able to just talk about things. Every year, we would spend our anniversary remembering the details of our first date, Paul’s proposal, and the time leading up to that evening’s dinner. We were less than four weeks shy of our fourth anniversary, but we were already starting to chat about how lucky we were to have found each other.

Continue Reading October 26, 2009 at 3:43 am Leave a comment

Getting angry

Sometimes I feel very angry and I can’t figure out where to place the blame. I know that my anger is part of my grief, but I don’t have a person or a thing to blame for my anger, nor do I have a recognizable focus for it.

Continue Reading October 21, 2009 at 10:04 pm Leave a comment

Support networks

I joined a grief support group a couple of weeks ago and have found it oddly comforting, despite the fact that I’m the youngest one in the group and that most are not widows. I suppose there is comfort in talking with others who are grieving because it’s a safe place, and whilst our grief comes from different life perspectives, it’s still grief. What I find most useful about the group isn’t the time spent with others, but rather the thought process that happens between the weekly meetings. I find myself focusing on my feelings and emotions because of something someone in the group said about their own grief journey, or because of a “homework assignment” given by the group’s leader; I like that it makes me confront something that I had never thought of—or something I may have been avoiding.

Continue Reading October 17, 2009 at 10:12 pm 1 comment

Looking forward to shared laughter and tears

I booked my ticket for a holiday to the UK today. Now I’m happy and sad; I’m looking forward to my trip and I’m dreading it.

This will be my first holiday since Paul and I went to England for a family reunion about two months before he died. I took less than two weeks off from work right after he died then another week a month later to go to England for funeral services there. But I’ve yet to have a real break from my dreadful new reality; there was just too much to do at work to be able to take time off.

Continue Reading October 15, 2009 at 9:51 pm Leave a comment

It is still a beautiful world

I reflect quite often on the Desiderata these days. Mostly because I know that my Paul wants me to be happy and the words of the Desiderata seem to speak to that so very well. The world for me these days seems so bleak, so frightening, so lonely, but still I know that there is goodness in it. I know that I will find my way through the misery and will be happy once again. I try each day to remember that there is so much good in the world, and that my life will continue and that it will be a good life. It’s difficult to do most days, but it is my duty as a wife to be the happy person my husband wants me to be.

Continue Reading October 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm 1 comment

Tackling long-overdue gardening tasks

One week before Paul died we spent the day working in the yard. I remember sitting on the edge of the flower beds removing mulch and weeds while Paul raked the front lawn. It was our new cat’s first venture to the great outdoors and she took a bit of enticing to leave the front steps so from time-to-time we’d stop working and play with the cat. We walked around the yard making notes about what needed to be done for spring cleanup and sketching out designs for a couple of garden and seating areas. When we were done we enjoyed a nice picnic lunch under the cedar trees with a bottle of chardonnay.

Continue Reading October 7, 2009 at 10:20 pm Leave a comment

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