Archive for February, 2010

Back to church

Today is Ash Wednesday, and the first time I’ve gone to church since Paul died other than his funeral and memorial service and a wedding. It’s the first time I’ve been able to bring myself to go alone, and it was harder than I thought in some ways; easier in others.

Continue Reading February 17, 2010 at 6:45 pm Leave a comment

Inside jokes

I hear voices in my head most days. I hear these little quips and one-liners; I hear comments and jokes; I hear moans and groans; and if you could count them (which would be a stretch), I ‘hear’ eye rolls and other similar body language. I say “voices” but it’s all just one person I can hear – with varying accents depending on context.

Continue Reading February 10, 2010 at 5:27 pm Leave a comment

Eight years ago

Paul and I met eight years ago today. February 6, 2002. It was such a funny and unexpected day. I was meant to be in St. Andrews with a friend; he was meant to be working in York. Through a series of mishaps and circumstance, both of us ended up at shop called Whigmaleeries on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. And we met; all by chance.

Continue Reading February 6, 2010 at 2:00 am 3 comments

Nine months

It dawned on me today that it’s been nine months since I buried Paul. I just don’t know how that’s possible. I still have trouble comprehending how things could go from a happily-ever-after fairytale to horrific nightmare in a flash. No warnings, no time to prepare. It just doesn’t make sense. There are days when I think “I can do this. I can live on my own without Paul and be happy. I can build a new life and it will be good.” Then there are days when I wonder how I can possibly function without him. But I manage, mostly.

Continue Reading February 2, 2010 at 5:46 pm Leave a comment

Finding joy

My new year’s resolution was simple this year; or so I thought. I resolved to find a bit of joy in each and every day. The idea is that each day I will reflect on what’s happening in my life and in the world around me and pick out the things that bring me joy – no matter how trivial. After a month, I’m finding it to be extremely difficult!

Continue Reading February 1, 2010 at 5:07 pm Leave a comment


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