Changing rooms

I moved the bed around in my room yesterday. It’s the first “big” change since Paul died more than a year ago. I suppose I did it because I could, not because I wanted to. And I don’t know how long I’ll leave it that way. I had also considered taking over “his” side of the bed as it would be more convenient, but whilst I don’t have a preferred side, he did and I just can’t take over what was his. I know – it’s all mine now.


Continue Reading June 1, 2010 at 2:25 pm Leave a comment

The return of memories

The last few weeks have been really hard. It seems that the closer I get to the anniversary of Paul’s death, the more memories I have. I remember vividly the things we did the week before he died; our last full weekend before he died. I remember conversations we had and I can almost feel the joy of our laughter as we worked in the garden together one week before I lost him.

Continue Reading April 18, 2010 at 10:55 am Leave a comment

Of death and taxes

I finally filed my taxes. I say finally because I normally have mine completed and filed the first week of February – based on the fact that tax documents generally arrive the last week of January. Yep. A Version 2.0 was a geek to the core; I used to love doing my taxes. And this year I tried, but just couldn’t do it through the tears. I think it had something to do with the box that I needed to tick that read: Qualifying Widow.

Continue Reading March 22, 2010 at 5:55 pm Leave a comment

Back to church

Today is Ash Wednesday, and the first time I’ve gone to church since Paul died other than his funeral and memorial service and a wedding. It’s the first time I’ve been able to bring myself to go alone, and it was harder than I thought in some ways; easier in others.

Continue Reading February 17, 2010 at 6:45 pm Leave a comment

Inside jokes

I hear voices in my head most days. I hear these little quips and one-liners; I hear comments and jokes; I hear moans and groans; and if you could count them (which would be a stretch), I ‘hear’ eye rolls and other similar body language. I say “voices” but it’s all just one person I can hear – with varying accents depending on context.

Continue Reading February 10, 2010 at 5:27 pm Leave a comment

Eight years ago

Paul and I met eight years ago today. February 6, 2002. It was such a funny and unexpected day. I was meant to be in St. Andrews with a friend; he was meant to be working in York. Through a series of mishaps and circumstance, both of us ended up at shop called Whigmaleeries on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. And we met; all by chance.

Continue Reading February 6, 2010 at 2:00 am 3 comments

Nine months

It dawned on me today that it’s been nine months since I buried Paul. I just don’t know how that’s possible. I still have trouble comprehending how things could go from a happily-ever-after fairytale to horrific nightmare in a flash. No warnings, no time to prepare. It just doesn’t make sense. There are days when I think “I can do this. I can live on my own without Paul and be happy. I can build a new life and it will be good.” Then there are days when I wonder how I can possibly function without him. But I manage, mostly.

Continue Reading February 2, 2010 at 5:46 pm Leave a comment

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